Lately I have been seeing all of these people...Typically actors, like the extremely energetic, always smiling hosts of the Sprout channel my toddler watches. I mean, I realize they may exhaust themselves faking such enthusiasm and that their cheeks are probably quite sore after a days worth of ear to ear toothy grinning. But, I'm jealous. I look at all of that focused, bright, intensely positive behavior and think, "I want to be just like that." Could it be juicing? Jogging? Losing the ten pounds I put on over the summer? Maybe never drinking, smoking, and cutting seriously down on coffee will help? I bet getting more than 6 hours of sleep a night will make a little dent.
But HOW?
I'm determined here, okay? I understand that the least of what I can do is quit my addictions, but what I need to know is how I can take it over that edge. Make it real Follow through. I want to smile, because I'm really happy.
Here's a few questions I would love to have answered.
1. Are all the people I see bursting with laughter and energy, those who seem like they will go on forever like the energizer bunny...are they medicated?
2. What does it look like to be busy. Busily running around, excitedly taking on the next task in your life with an "Okay let's do this!!!" air about you... in real life? I see it on t.v. I even sometimes see real people doing it, but I'm just so lost as to what it actually looks like to have energy and be happy. When I think hard about it, I don't actually know anybody like this.
3. What is happy? I mean, that's a big question for anyone reading it, but what is happiness you you? what is it for me? It's so many things potentially that I couldn't even try to do them. Is it a current state of being? or mostly something you always strive for and which can be just about to your fingertips, but is never quite totally attainable? I know what happy looks like physically, but what does it look like as far as the pieces of my life's puzzle fitting together so well that I am in a constant state of happiness?
4.) Is the energy I seek actually out of my hands if I go unassisted, unable to avoid the unpredictability of my Bi-polar symptoms? Should I be taking prescribed medications? Happy... pills?
I just know that I want something that feels more effortless than that. I think I need to start considering what sort of rewarding employment I might have when my daughter starts school, because the way I see it, I can tell that I may need something that forces me out of bed in the morning and puts me somewhere. Somewhere cool, that I identify as a happy place. A busy, but happy place. Then when I get to hang with friends or with my kids, be in the sun, watch a movie, go for a drive or just sit at home and watch my favorite show, I'll feel happy, because I don't feel restricted by the complete lack of structure in my life. The complete lack of balance.
You can get worn out on anything, you can get worn out on leisure. I feel genuinely tha it is because of leisure and out fo broedome that I continue staying up too late. I'm trying to catch up on the day's total lack of enjoyment. I drink too much, I smoke, and behave lazily because all of the passion for the practical aspects of what I am doing here all day has turned into boredom at some point. I feel trapped, I feel like so many restrictions are on me, yet I can't even understand what they are.
Of course,Ther is one ting, and maybe I invented this (probably so)- but nonetheless it feels like I can lay a nice portion of blame, on nap time. It is a Black Hole for anything productive these days. I've got to fix that. I've got to find a way to buy my energy, enthusiasm, charisma, and joy while I have a few moments without Frozen playing in the background. I've got to brainstorm about what I can do, that will make me happy. Not just busy, not just, focused, (because I can only last so long doing things like that), but actually happy.
I'll try these questions:
1.) What feels inherent to me as far as a perfectly enjoyable skill I might have?
if so, a: Is it a skill that I care to develop? and b:is it best to have a starting point from something that has already started?
2.) How can I use that skill to get myself out of the house?
3.) Are there more people with this skill?
4.) How can I find balance in my life with the things I'm responsible for right now when I begin delving into this new skill?
5.) Is a schedule structure? How can I use a structured schedule to make myself happier?
6.) What is my FREE time?
Well, I think those are the main questions I have for figuring this all out based on my own gut instincts. I'm going to get hose few addictions that not only make me feel sick, tired, and grumpy, but also kind of shitty about myself and guilty, out of the way. I think that will be a good foundation for any attempts I make at finding happiness. I think Alcohol, drugs, smoking, and not exercising hampers my ability to feel very good at all, so it's a start, and HEY! I'M SUPER EXCITED TO GET STARTED ON MY JOURNEY TODAY!! I BET EVERYTHING WILL FALL RIGHT INTO PLACE THE MOMENT I DECIDE TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE AND GET GOING ON POSITIVE PROJECTION AND PATIENT HEALING!!! YAY!
Ahem...well.... we'll see.
